11 yr old daughter
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11 yr old daughter 
25/04/2009 05:30 - Behaviour / Discipline
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hi all, would appreciate some advice. my daughter is soon turning 12 and has been at the same school since senior infants. we moved schools due to moving from country to city.she has never bonded with anyone in particular and has difficulty making friends it seems.she was bullied when she started in the new school and she is not in this childs class anymore due to this.i had a discussion with her today about it, a girl in her class is trying to isolate her from another girl. she became tearful when i said if she had a problem fitting into a group. she said yes , that grroups a forming and she does not belong to any but moves from one to the other. she said she would like a special friend as most people have best friends. i dont know why she has such a difficulty as she is a very gentle girl and is very friendly in nature. she is very artistic and has recieved many awards in school and outside. i think maybe that kids have become resentful because of this although she does not boast or brag. she does very well at school and always has her homework done and very neat. her teachers all dowm along the years have praised her work and personality. she is just the type of child who likes to do well and challenges herself. i dont push her to be an over achiever. she sets her own standard.the school does a lot of competitions in class like write a story or,best handwriting, and she seems to win alot of them. i think kids resent her for this, i dont know , i am trying to make sense of it. she doesnt boast or brag about it and her teacher even commented on this at a meeting.i used to invite kids over more when she was younger but have left it to her to choose who she wants to bring over.. she doesnt invite anyone over and likewise. has anyone any suggestions , i am very concerned as secondary school approaches
| re : 11 yr old daughter
28/04/2009 21:18 - Behaviour / Discipline
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Hi
I too have an 11 year old daughter, who has never had ´one special´ friend and has had issues with friendships on and off over the years. The circumstances aren´t the same I know that - but just a bit of background!
Your daughter is still on the edge of adolescence so it´s the very best time for you to be addressing this problem. Part of our role as parents is to teach our children about these things also, and one of the big ways kids learn is by copying adults. So do you let her see you having positive social contact with other adults? Do you comment when people are polite and respectful towards you (rather than only when they cut you off driving or are rude in shops)? She needs to see and hear you seeing the good in others for her to see the good in others and also in herself. Take many many opportunities to praise her for small things as well as her art - once you look you will see lots of opportunities. This builds her self-esteem but also models the behaviour of seeing the good in others. Sometimes say around her ´hey I was good at that!´ or ´i cook a pretty mean spaghetti bolognese don´t I?´ Show her how to praise herself and feel good about her successes this way. Never underestimate how much influence you and the other adults around her have on her life. Model positivity and acceptance (don´t tell her to do it just DO it yourself ) and she will start to pick up the cues.
The unfortunate reality is (and something I have told my girls often) is that neither you, her or anyone can change another human being - she cannot change those kids to make them nice to her, or stop them saying mean things about her. She can change herself, and her response to them. That´s all we can change. So you both have to let go of how horrible and mean those other girls are being. It´s their loss. You and your daughter together can work very hard building up her self esteem in the time before she starts secondary. Teach her some skills of emotional self sufficency, learn how to not care what they say. Find things for her to love about herself no matter what anyone else thinks about them. Let her teach you how to draw or paint or such, find opportunities for her to be successful and feel powerful over her own world. Teach her how to cook her favourite dinner. If you can afford it, send her horseriding every week or something else she wants to try. Male her world a bigger more exciting place to live in not just focus on the difficult and hard bits that make it seems hopeless and unwelcoming.
Perhaps sending her to the other secondary would be good too; giver her a chance to start anew. Why don´t you ask her what she wants?
| re : 11 yr old daughter
25/04/2009 13:20 - Behaviour / Discipline
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That is a difficult one for you. The one positive I see is that when she starts in secondary school, she will have the chance to start again and meet new friends. Reassure her by telling her this and also that some friends in her present school who may have gone along with the others, may turn out to be good friends in secondary, in a different setting.
Perhaps you might encourage her again to try an invitation for a couple of friends who might be likely to accept. What about friends outside of school, ones she may have met through extra-curricular activities?
| re... : 11 yr old daughter
26/04/2009 15:18 - Behaviour / Discipline
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Sounds like it´s time to try new avenues. The extra curricular idea sounds like a good idea. Girls can be sooo nasty.
| re... : 11 yr old daughter
28/04/2009 05:55 - Behaviour / Discipline
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i have her in activities in and outside of school but her confidence seems to have taken a huge knock,we dont talk about it much as it upsets her ,she likes me to think all is ok,but to be honest it worries me alot and i have had many a sleepless night over it.it seems to have taken root in her class and she cant breakthrough. my concern is that as secondary approaches that it will continue and she will be more aware of it.i am considering enroling her in another secondary school near the one one most of her now classmates will be going.i cant see things ever changing
| re... : 11 yr old daughter
26/04/2009 15:08 - Behaviour / Discipline
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hi goldilocks, and thanks for your reply and suggestions.i have told her to invite someone over. she was friendly with a girl last year and she came over every second fridday and she to hers. the friendship ended cos the other girl suddenly told her to stop following her around. when my daughter told me this, i told her that no friend would talk to her like this. she apologised but the friendship never resumed as she did not invite her to her party and my daughter didnt want to be friends with her again , with my agreement also. she gets on ok with her now, she is reluctant to get friendly with kids from what happened as girls can be hot and cold, one day friends , next day ignore you, so it seems from what she tells me. she finds it hard to understand why people are like this. so do i as it happens.
| re : 11 yr old daughter
18/01/2012 10:44 - Behaviour / Discipline
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Take her to other activities that pertains outside of school. Let her gain her confidence again, there are sports and clubs and even [url=http://www.militaryschools411.com/military-camp/]camps[/url] that cater to this type of thing. Hopefully, she´ll be more optimistic when school returns. :)
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