How Can I Know If My Teenager Is Being Bullied?

Young People Don’t Tell

There is a culture of secrecy surrounding the whole issue of bullying. The fear of retaliation is a legitimate reason not to disclose bullying as is the fear of others seeing that you can’t cope with the normal cut and thrust of interacting with your peers. Children often decide to put up with bullying rather than confront the possibility of the whole class or school knowing about it. Furthermore, the culture of silence in school is so strong that reporting bullying can be understood to be the same thing as tale telling.

Bystanders who witness bullying often remain silent because they believe it is not their business to intervene. Others may not know how to intervene effectively, or are too afraid to do anything about what they are witnessing. They may be afraid that they will be targeted next. They may have experiences of guilt that they did nothing to stop the bullying.

What makes it difficult for parents to establish whether their teenager is being bullied is that a young person’s response to bullying may have similarities to normal adolescent behaviour, caused by stresses other than bullying. For example, being less talkative at home, showing variations in mood, becoming sensitive about appearance, demanding more money and showing signs of being hungry are often part of normal adolescence. The key thing to look out for is sudden and unexplained changes in your child’s behaviour. These might include:

Physical signs

Unexplained bruising, cuts, scratches, sprains or torn clothing
Loss of property or damage to personal belongings
Hunger or thirst due to loss of lunch money to a bully
Frequent minor illnesses, headaches, stomach aches
Nervous rashes
Not eating
Being obsessive about appearance and cleanliness
Stammering
Asking for extra money or stealing (to pay off a bully)
Bedwetting

Emotional and psychological signs:

Fearfulness
Acute anxiety
Panic attacks
Avoiding friends and other children
Uncharacteristic bullying of siblings and/or other students
Uncharacteristic outbursts of anger
Refusal to discuss what is wrong
Change of sleeping or eating pattern
Becoming withdrawn or moody
Dropping usual hobbies and interests
Loss of confidence or self-esteem
Excessive tearfulness or crying themselves to sleep
Nightmares
Excessive sensitivity to criticism
Seeking to be alone
Implied or overt threats of suicide.

Signs related to school:

Returning from school in a very bad mood and showing reluctance to talk about it
Unwillingness to go to school or asking to be accompanied
Changing school route
Avoiding certain days or lessons
Uncharacteristic nervousness in class
Staying close to teachers
Punctuality problems
Poor concentration and a deterioration in school work
Expressions of hopelessness in school work e.g. essays, poems or artwork
A reduction in phone calls, friends calling, or invitations to social events
Being excluded from groups
Not being chosen for sports teams
A reluctance to take part in previously enjoyed activities
Abusive phone calls
Abusive text messages or e-mail

Is It Bullying?

If you are unsure that your teenager is being bullied or not, considering the following may help you decide;
Is verbal, psychological or physical aggression being used?
Is there an imbalance of power because of a wide discrepancy in age, size, strength, or ability to articulate?
Is the bullying behaviour deliberate?
Is the person so upset that they feel unable to handle the bullying situation?

Sources:
The Essential Parents Guide to the Secondary School Years - available from Primary ABC
The Cool School Programme

Return to our section focussing on Bullying